Questions
by Relinquished
Summary: Hisoka questions Illumi’s ability to love him after he sees the assassin culling his own little brother (not Killua), the runt, because of his father’s orders. May be slightly OOC, but this is my first HisoIllu. Will Hisoka’s questions be answered


Questions  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own HXH, don't own Hisoka * sob * Illumi * sob sob* or Kurapika * SOB *  
  
Summary: Hisoka questions Illumi's ability to love him after he sees the assassin culling his own little brother (not Killua), the runt, because of his father's orders. May be slightly OOC, but this is my first HisoIllu. Will Hisoka's questions be answered - or will he be turned away?  
  
---- Questions ----  
  
"No one will hurt you when I'm around, Allu."  
  
"Yes, aniki."  
  
Illumi cradled the dark haired boy in an uncharacteristically gentle embrace as he was lulled slowly to sleep by his older brother's steady heartbeat. This was one of the only times Alluka felt safe from the mocking glares the entire world served him. Here, in Illumi's room, in his older brother's protective hold, no one would tease him, torture him, or say he was useless. No one could ever hurt him when he was with Illumi - and that knowledge was the only thing that kept him going.  
  
"Oyasumi, Allu."  
  
"Oyasumi nasai, aniki."  
  
"You're safe with me."  
  
And so Alluka's eyes drifted closed, his brother's words lingering in his mind, filling him with a sense of security. No one would be able to hurt him now . . . no one . . . not even his elders. And he preferred it that way. At least then, he didn't have to hide himself in shame, just because he was the runt of the family. Because he was born with a slightly crooked right arm and could not use his feet. His elders despised him, Milluki and Karuto treated him like dirt, and Killua - he hadn't even gotten the chance to speak to his third oldest brother face-to-face before. His parents acknowledged his presence, like his grandfather and great-grandfather, as if he were a mere servant, not of the same class as they were. The only special treatment he got was that he was beaten up and thrown into the cell more often than the rest of the family put together.  
  
//Aniki's the only one who will protect me . . . //  
  
--------  
  
Illumi closed the door quietly, letting his little brother sleep. He had gone into the mansion and taken Alluka away after yet another torture session from Milluki. The strange thing was, he had been ordered to by his father, who would not even give his youngest son a second glance, let alone tell his oldest and most obedient to take him to a safer place. But this was not the time, nor the place to think about it.  
  
"Finally sure that he's safe?"  
  
"No, on the contrary, I think something is wrong," Illumi replied, turning his head to his right to look at his companion. His dark eyes narrowed slightly, as if he were thinking hard.  
  
"Why is that?"  
  
A pale hand came up to rest on the assassin's shoulder. Without turning himself around, Illumi let himself be wrapped up in a tight embrace from behind. The magician was the only other person, besides Alluka, who he made any intimate contact with. Hisoka was the only grown person ever to see his other side, the one which struggled to protect his younger brother and himself from the judgement of others. No matter how many times Hisoka could stick his foot into his mouth with a stupid comment, he would always know when the other needed to be serious.  
  
"I don't know," Illumi admitted. "May be because father . . ."  
  
"I see," Hisoka interrupted quietly, resting his cheek against the other's soft hair. "I know what you mean. Your father never paid much attention to Alluka's welfare before."  
  
"Yes, that's it." Illumi felt the burden lift off his chest a little. "It's really suspicious."  
  
"Why don't we have a deal then?"  
  
Illumi broke away from him, before turning around and shooting the magician an I-don't-think-this-is-the-time-for-deals look. Hisoka laughed quietly under his breath at the assassin's reaction to his suggestion. When Illumi was in his 'nice big brother' mood, he was suspicious of ANYTHING. It was sort of fun to take advantage of this mood to manipulate the other into doing something.  
  
"Be serious, Hisoka," Illumi warned. "I mean it."  
  
In a flash, a single pin was between his fingers. Its gleam gave away the anger Illumi felt, while his eyes shuttered any sign of emotion closed. This movement amused the other even more, with his soft laughter growing into excited cackles. After a while, Illumi sighed quietly and replaced his pins into their original places. There was no use reprimanding Hisoka for his usual behaviour. It would be a waste of breath, anyhow, as Hisoka wouldn't even take it into mind afterwards.  
  
"What is this 'deal' you were speaking about?"  
  
"Oh, it's simple. I help you find out what your family is up to - you know, their plans and such - while you get all the information and smuggle him to somewhere safe. Or vice versa. Depending on what you feel like. No pay, no losses. After all, I DO want to see you happy."  
  
"Over my dead body, Hisoka. I won't take such a big risk."  
  
When he turned to go, Illumi knew Hisoka wouldn't prevent him. That was why he moved as quickly as he could, before the magician got better of his senses and followed him.  
  
"But don't you want Allu to be safe?" the mocking voice called after him.  
  
Illumi stopped dead in his tracks, sighed again and turned around in one fluid movement. Hisoka smirked confidently, hiding it behind the single joker card as the assassin walked back.  
  
"What's the plan?"  
  
--------  
  
Alluka had to be safe, that was the whole plan. It was finally decided that Illumi would go collect information from his household, as he knew the mansion like the back of his hand. He also commanded respect from the servants and his siblings alike. Meanwhile, Hisoka would be guarding Alluka, making sure that he was never to be neared by anyone he could not trust - which meant practically everyone. Only Hisoka and Illumi would be able to reach him.  
  
Alluka himself was quite all right with the overall decisions that were made. But he had only been informed that his aniki would be gone for a time and that he had to listen to whatever Hisoka told him to. He wasn't aware that Illumi would be risking his own life to protect him - and risking being disinherited and disowned by the family. But Illumi was aware. He was more than aware - he was dreading it.  
  
"I'll be in contact," Illumi said shortly, moving for the door. "Keep your end of the bargain."  
  
"Of course."  
  
Hisoka gave him a kind of half-salute with a joker card, leaning on the closed door to the room Illumi had cleared out for him. Without another word, Illumi reached for the handle to the door.  
  
"Ja ne," Hisoka said as he passed.  
  
"Look after Alluka."  
  
"Hai." Before either knew what was happening, Hisoka was blocking the OTHER doorway. Illumi shot him a stern look - at least, that was what it seemed like from behind the eyes. "I just want you to know that I'll be waiting. Worried, possibly, like Alluka, but I'll still be waiting. If you don't come back in one piece, I'll send your precious little brother along to meet you."  
  
"If you dare lay a single threatening finger on Allu, I won't hesitate to kill you."  
  
--------  
  
//I just want you to know that I'll be waiting . . .//  
  
Hisoka's words lingered in his mind. He would be waiting. The idea, the sentence, was simple enough, but Illumi could not help wondering whether or not the magician had another reason for saying what he did. He hated it when the other did not speak in normal, understandable terms. It made everything that much harder to comprehend when he was around. But Illumi didn't have time to rack his brains about what Hisoka was thinking.  
  
"Illumi-sama!" the gatekeeper, Zebulo, exclaimed as he drew near. "You're back!"  
  
"I need to speak to father," Illumi replied tonelessly, passing the balding man without a glance. "You may return to your post."  
  
"Hai, Illumi-sama."  
  
Resting both his palms flat against the first two doors of trial, Illumi pushed. Slowly, six of the seven doors began to move. Zebulo watched with wide eyes as Illumi almost effortlessly opened the doors and went inside. The eldest son had been training in the Sky Arena, according to what he had been told before. At that time, Illumi was only able to open four doors.  
  
A growl sounded through the depths of the trees. It was probably Mike, the ever-faithful, big blue watch hound residing in the gardens. Illumi gave a shrill whistle and the growling stopped. Mike recognised Illumi's voice and withdrew further into the trees. Then the assassin moved on and passed the watch guards' dormitories. No one was there. He kept walking until he reached Kanaria's post.  
  
"Illumi-sama, welcome home," she said politely, clutching her staff and bowing low.  
  
"Return to your post, Kanaria," was all the reply she got.  
  
"Hai."  
  
--------  
  
There came a knock on the door. Struggling to his feet at Silva's order, Milluki waddled over, whip in hand, to answer it. When the door flung open, Milluki gave a little gasp, spraying crumbs all over the unfortunate person. The fat man continued to babble indistinguishable nonsense for a few seconds, before he managed to choke out.  
  
"Aniki!"  
  
"Stop blocking the doorway, Milluki," his father ordered. "Illumi, you may come in."  
  
The figure stepped in to the room, brushing off the bits of crisps from his hair and shoulders. Silva stood up to greet his eldest son, who acknowledged his father politely. Milluki shrunk back into a corner, terrified of his brother's very presence. Silva knew he longed to flee back to his computers, but only told him to close the door. Milluki complied, trembling from head to toe, but a stern look from his father made him suppress it a little.  
  
"Otousan," Illumi said with a hint of respect in his voice.  
  
"Did you do as I asked, Illumi?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"How is he?"  
  
"A little pale, shaken, but he's recovering."  
  
"Good."  
  
Silva motioned to the seat in front of his couch. Illumi sat down silently, mindful of his hair so that it did not get caught in the back. Hisoka would never forgive him if something happened to his hair, which he constantly said was his favourite part of Illumi. The assassin scolded himself silently, face still impassive, on thinking about the magician. It wasn't like the other played an important part in his life.  
  
"Illumi - you've been with Alluka more than the rest of us have," Silva began, looking intently at his son. Illumi nodded. "You know better than all of us where his ability lies. You are - or were - his trainer before. That was, until we saw just how deformed his limbs were."  
  
"Hai, otousan."  
  
"Well, your grandfather and I have decided just what to do with this youngest son." Illumi felt his heart contract in sudden realisation. "Seeing as he cannot go on missions for the family to earn money, he is wasting our time in tending to his needs. We want you to do what you do best."  
  
For a full minute, Illumi just sat there with his flat gaze, stunned beyond speech. They wanted him to KILL Alluka? Of course, he knew this day would come sooner or later. Actually, he had expected it to be much later than what it was now. But Alluka trusted him and he had evidently developed a soft spot for his youngest, disabled brother. He didn't trust himself to be able to do it.  
  
What was he to do?  
  
"Hai, otousan."  
  
--------  
  
Alluka pretended to be asleep, with the pillow over his head, as he heard Hisoka's voice mumbling in his sleep. The young boy wasn't sure whether to classify the magician as a REAL magician, a clown, or just a raving lunatic. After building some twenty odd card pyramids, tumbling them all down, cackling like a maniac and finally bidding him good night - he started talking in his sleep.  
  
"Illumi. . ."  
  
Alluka shivered. He knew his older brother's preferences lay in the same gender, it was quite obvious actually. He knew also that the person his brother 'preferred' over women was this mad magician in the other room. Although he trusted his brother, Alluka could not help wondering whether Illumi had made the right decision in letting Hisoka watch over him.  
  
//Aniki . . . this guy's a sex-derived freak! Come back quickly!//  
  
"Illumi. . ."  
  
How long had it been since Illumi left? Alluka counted in his mind. It had been around three or four days already. He supposed it would have taken him a day at least to get back to Kukulu mountain, another day to meet with their parents and he would probably spend another day there with father. Sadness gripped him. Illumi, Milluki, Killua and Karuto were the family favourites. They got the good treatment from their elders. Alluka had spent his life in the care of Illumi and several of the servants, who treated him as just an orphan who happened to stumble inside the mansion.  
  
But Illumi was different. Alluka had heard from the servants that his eldest brother was probably one of the best assassins ever to have been bred into the Zoldick family. He was derived of the 'warm' emotions at a young age, thus leaving him cold-blooded, heartless and incapable of love. That was, to other people. Alluka had never really seen Illumi's wrath first hand because his older brother was always gentle towards him. But it seemed that he wasn't the only one to have seen the gentler side of Illumi.  
  
[Allu? This is Hisoka, my - lover.]  
  
Was what Illumi felt for Hisoka real love? Or was it lust? When Alluka had been introduced to Hisoka, he had been around seven. Which was four years ago. Four years was enough time for him to realise the difference between real love - and the one he assumed Illumi and Hisoka shared. With them, their relationship was just you-help-me-I-help-you. It was more like a deal than mutual affection. Of course, they had their share of passion, but Alluka was sure that none of the feelings were truly felt.  
  
//Aniki. . .//  
  
---- Author's Interruption ----  
  
Okay. I know it's strange that Allu should know so much about Hisoka and Illumi's relationship. But he's had four years. Especially when Illumi's been whisking him away from the mansion at any possible chance. And Allu's a smart kid, for a cripple. He knows the difference between love and lust.  
  
He knows Illumi really loves HIM, as a brother of course (stop thinking dirty!) and as for Hisoka, he can see that Illumi wouldn't give up as much for the magician as he would for him. He's seen their 'interactions' before (dirty boy, Allu! Tut, tut!). Yeah well, he knows that there's a difference and that's all that matters!!!!!  
  
---- Sorry for disturbing the story!!!! ----  
  
The message was sent. Illumi tucked away his mobile phone before he could change his mind and send the magician another message, telling him to ignore the previous. After all had been said and done, he had to carry out his mission in order to stay in the family. There was no time for second thoughts, only action - and results. He only hoped that his lover would understand.  
  
Illumi sighed. He actually missed the magician's company. It felt quite lonely just by himself in his simply furnished, yet expansive, room in the family mansion. This was probably one of those rare times when he actually craved the other's presence, wishing that he had a companion, a way to pass the time. But the feeling this time had a difference - it wasn't just a craving for companionship, or a lonely feeling - it was more of a longing for someone to hold him, to comfort him. Still, he was glad that Hisoka was back with Alluka at the hotel, far away from his grasp.  
  
//Hisoka . . . part of me hopes that you will save Alluka from me, to kill me . . . and another part wants you to just get the hell out of my life and leave me be . . .//  
  
Vibrations against his side notified him of an incoming message. He brought out the phone.  
  
Damn it! Why did he have to go and be so uncharacteristically sensitive? Illumi's eyes narrowed ever so slightly, glinting angrily, but his expression didn't change. He wanted no interferences with his mission. None at all . . . none.  
  
But Alluka was his brother. Illumi knew he was attached to the eleven-year- old boy, too attached, ever since he had been presented with him. Back then, Allu had been a sweet-looking, helplessly dependant infant that his grandfather had handed over to Illumi to take care of. At first, Illumi thought that he would train the boy, nothing more, like he did Killua, and then carry on with his missions. But as time went by, he found himself growing protective of Alluka, defending him against the servants, and treating him better than his other siblings.  
  
Alluka was also the first to accept his relationship with Hisoka. The younger had been only seven then, still rather under informed about the workings of the 'older, more experienced society'. That, of course, included the chances of male/male relationships and actually being able to have 'homosexual interactions'. So he had just accepted the fact that Illumi was with Hisoka and carried on.  
  
--------  
  
Hisoka had been pretending to mutter Illumi's name in his sleep. Well, he did mutter it, but he just wasn't asleep. He just used it as a mask over what he was really doing.  
  
Illumi's message was disturbing, to say the least. He had been given orders. Orders about what? What was so secret he couldn't tell him? Then again, Illumi had always been elusive, vague and rather general in his explanations about the things he didn't want to talk about. Maybe it was the challenge involved in deciphering the assassin's true emotions that drew Hisoka to him. Besides the lush, abundant hair that caught the sunlight whenever Illumi walked outside.  
  
//Don't do anything when he gets back?// he wondered. //Oh, all right, if that's what he wants//  
  
Being with Illumi was a challenge in itself. At first, the assassin was probably just plain uninterested in him. Over time, like during the Hunter Exam and afterwards in the incident with Kuroro and the Genei Ryodan, Hisoka knew Illumi had warmed up to him considerably. But there were still times when the assassin's instincts took over and turned him against Hisoka.  
  
He decided to let the poor boy get some sleep in the other room. Alluka was probably sleeping fitfully, kept awake by his fear for his brother. Hisoka knew the young one was being stupid, but if Illumi did somehow get himself into trouble, he would be against - God forbid - almost the entire Zoldick household. He shuddered inwardly at the thought of having more than thirteen deadly assassins after him, screaming bloody murder.  
  
//Never thought I'd say it// he thought wryly to himself. //Just be safe, Illumi//  
  
Maybe it was because they were connected in some way, or perhaps it was just pure, idiotic coincidence, but just as soon as the thought had left his mind, the doorknob turned and hinges creaked. Throwing off the covers, Hisoka crept to his bedroom door and put a hand on the doorknob.  
  
--------  
  
Alluka froze at the sound of an opening door. Was Illumi back from the mansion? Or was it just the freak magician, wanting to terrorise him further? The boy trembled under the covers and strained his ears to listen to the footsteps. Perhaps they'd tell him who it was.  
  
A soft, barely heard step on carpeted ground. It was definitely Illumi, because Hisoka's movements were more of a shuffle than a firm step. Alluka sighed. His aniki was safe, that meant he was safe too. Soon, everything would be just fine and they would all be happy. The handle to his bedroom door turned with a click. Illumi was coming to check on him. Alluka relaxed and closed his eyes.  
  
"Illumi?"  
  
No reply from the elder assassin. Alluka wondered what was wrong. Illumi's shadow grew as he came closer and closer to the bed. Finally, he couldn't take it anymore and sat up, facing Illumi.  
  
"Aniki?"  
  
"ILLUMI NO!"  
  
But it was too late. As soon as the needle left his fingers, Illumi knew he couldn't call it back. What was left of his heart shattered to pieces as Alluka's stunned expression registered on his young face. That same, wide-eyed expression never left as the child sank back onto his pillows, dead.  
  
//I'm sorry, Allu//  
  
--------  
  
"Why did you do it?"  
  
Hisoka was appalled that Illumi could do such a thing. Normally, he wouldn't care, but this was ALLUKA ZOLDICK, the 'heartless' assassin's youngest and favourite brother. Illumi had just killed him without blinking, after threatening the magician if he ever moved a finger to harm the boy. His heart WAS as cold as ice and possibly even colder. Hisoka just didn't understand.  
  
"I said, damn it, WHY DID YOU DO IT?"  
  
"Because I love him."  
  
Illumi's eyes were dark and clouded so that they were as unreadable as ever. His companion blew up.  
  
"Because you love him?" he demanded with a bark of sarcastic laughter. "You love him? Is that how Zoldicks show their love for each other? By killing them?"  
  
"You don't understand."  
  
"You're right, I DON'T understand," Hisoka said through gritted teeth. "I don't understand how you can turn your back on a defenceless boy in a matter of three days! I don't understand how you won't let anyone come close to him and yet you kill him yourself! How do you do it?"  
  
"People change, Hisoka." Illumi's voice was dead. "You've killed defenceless people before."  
  
The other could only open and close his mouth like a goldfish. He was speechless, but it wasn't because Illumi had just rebuked him - he always did that, after all. It was because the assassin was so - for lack of a better word - darn inconsiderate. For the first time in his life, Hisoka was uncertain of the predicament they were in. Illumi always unsettled him in one way or other, but had never gone as far as to kill his own family. Heaven forbid, Illumi was even more dangerous than he had imagined.  
  
"Change?" he near squeaked. "Is that all you can say?"  
  
Illumi wouldn't meet his eyes, turning away to stare at a spot on the immaculate carpet.  
  
"You surprise me, Zoldick. I've known you all to place money above all else, even if it meant working against your own family - but to kill someone who trusted you with their lives? Isn't that like killing your employer just for the heck of it?"  
  
"Trust is a dangerous thing, Hisoka," Illumi said quietly. "It's the key to ruining anyone's life."  
  
"Darn right it is," Hisoka muttered. "Like hell I'm ever going to trust you after what you did. I thought that maybe we could really set things aside after we saved your brother - but foolish thoughts have foolish consequences. I was wrong to believe that somehow there was the slimmest chance that a Zoldick could learn to love. You are incapable of doing so."  
  
"That is the job of an assassin." Illumi looked up with a ferocity in his eyes Hisoka had never seen before. "We are meant to be alone. I was wrong to learn to love Alluka. Love is not something that I do."  
  
Silence followed as his words hung in the air. Then -  
  
"What about us?"  
  
Illumi backed away, almost startled. Hisoka, however, remained firm and demanding, arms folded in a serious manner, quite unlike his usual self. The assassin was usually the serious one, who was calm and calculating, undisturbed. But here he was, almost cowering because of three words - a question.  
  
"Was it real between us?" Hisoka asked. "Or did you just want to kill me like you did Alluka after you got bored? How do I know I won't wake up one morning, only to discover that you've tried to kill me?"  
  
"N-No, it wasn't real," Illumi replied after a long silence. "Nothing between us was real from the beginning, I thought you already knew. Lust - that was the only factor. Pure lust, nothing else. You know better than to think that a Zoldick could learn to love."  
  
"Yeah, I do. Well then, I'll leave you to your heartless intentions from now on. You go your way and I'll go mine, Zoldick-san. Perhaps we'll meet when I am in need of your services."  
  
--------  
  
Illumi watched him go, a burning feeling in his chest. When he was in need of his services. That meant that they were never going to see each other again. It was over. Ignoring the welling feeling of loneliness and anguish in his chest, Illumi turned to the doorway of Alluka's bedroom. The boy lay on his bed, the surprise still etched clearly on his face, a single, fine pin protruding from the nape of his neck. Memories he never thought he had flashed through his mind:  
  
A moment's laughter with Alluka.  
  
Holding the boy in his arms while he cried.  
  
Nursing him back to health after a beating.  
  
A whispered promise: 'You'll be safe with me'  
  
What had he done? Alluka was the first person he had ever learned to love truly. Something about his innocence and yet altogether wise way of seeing the world drew the older towards him. It was strange the way their relationship had progressed, instead of Illumi teaching Alluka, it was the other way around. Love used to terrify Illumi and it was Alluka who had protected him and taught him to overcome that barrier, which opened up to the next person.  
  
Hisoka.  
  
The magician only meant well. He, like Illumi, had only started learning to love. It was both a difficult concept for them and both were trying to overcome their initial fear. They started with both believing it was pure lust, a need of physical comfort - a past time to escape the world. Like drugs. Then, when things got rough, the bond became deeper and more meaningful. Beyond words. Until tonight.  
  
"Forgive me," he murmured, both to Alluka and Hisoka. "I was wrong to think that love didn't matter."  
  
He had lost the two most important people in his life. What else was there to live for, if he couldn't see Alluka smile or hear Hisoka's annoying cackles or experience true love again? Hisoka wouldn't take him back and he had too much pride to ask him. No, he'll just cease to be, it was easiest. A flick of the wrist brought a single pin to his fingers. This was it.  
  
He brought the pin down.  
  
--------  
  
The morning found two corpses in the room, the larger with arms wrapped around the smaller, both with their eyes closed. Blood smeared the pristine white sheets and carpet as the wrist from which it came hung just off the edge of the bed. A note, written in the owner's blood, waiting for someone to come and notice its message.  
  
Gomen nasai, Hisoka.  
  
---- End ----  
  
A/N: Aw! That took me TWO FRIGGING MONTHS to write! I was so stuck on ideas for writing that I had planned to stop it altogether. The story itself was eight pages long on Microsoft Word, size 10, font Arial and so it's actually my longest one-chapter fic so far. Including this author's note is a little into 9 pages.  
  
So, how was it? Did you like it? Please give me your comments via reviews and give me some constructive advice. The characters were OOC, nee? I know, but it suited the story. Sorry for those who think that OOC is a bad thing, but I DID give a warning before . . . I think . . . wait a sec . . . I DID give a warning in the summary! So there, you can't flame for that that!  
  
PLEASE REVIEW!  
  
Bittersweet Angel Chika 


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